Closure, Forgiveness & Positivity.

So, let me start this post off by apologizing immensely. To anyone who still bothers to read, and to myself. I realize I only tend to post the negative stuff, when I need to vent and things are going bad in my life. Which is a habit I need to break. I need to update more frequently! I really need to work on that. I’m thinking about setting a reminder right before bed…and trying to stick to it. Maybe Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. That’s the plan at least. Because SO much happens in my life that I wish I shared, instead of just running and telling everyone the bad stuff, like me and Angel arguing. (Like right now, again. I know ya’ll are tired of hearing it. Shit, I’m tired of it too!) Oh, and I’m also sorry for how long this post is! haha.

SO, I’m going to wrap up the negativety in a short paragraph instead of giving it any more of my time, energy, or tears:

Basically long story short, my uh…now ex-boyfriend was on probation for being pulled over with Weed (stupid, I know smh) a few months ago. On Friday, he was found in contempt and had to go to jail (for a Day. I think he bonded out, but idk how all that crap works, I’ve never been with anyone bad enough to go to jail!!!) BUT up to now, I don’t know the full story, so I’m not even going to go into details. But I had to help him and pick up his daughter. He wasn’t grateful that I helped him. He was upset that I didn’t seem to care enough..like me having 2 panic attacks wasn’t enough lol, I should have been at home moping instead of out with my family and his daughter…and was really angry and broke up with me after saying awful things to me. Keep in mind, he has anger issues, and although that’s NO excuse for him to talk to me any kind of way, I usually try to be understanding. But this time he took at my clothes and my dogs stuff out of his room and threw it out in the hallway and told me “Fck you! I’m fcking done! You aren’t worth shit! LEAVE!” And I’m not going to beg any man to let me stay, so I left. He later tried to apologize, because as usual, he was “angry”. My family is worried that his anger will turn into him physically abusing me and then trying to apologize because he is “Angry”. At this point, I’m going to try my hardest to leave him alone. Now onto the positives/closure/forgiveness that I wanna talk about!

Positives

  • As of Saturday, September 21, 2019, I moved into my OWN 1 bedroom apartment!!!! It’s awesome here. Great little neighborhood in Ocoee, FL. About 15 minutes from Clermont (where I used to live) and 15 minutes from Orlando! I’ve been here for a week officially as of today!
  • I completed a contract position where I was a web development instructor, teaching a group of students HTML5, CSS3, & Javascript! The class went well. I was teaching people who work at Amazon. I was contacted by a company who is contracted by Amazon.
  • I recently started ANOTHER contract position as a coding instructor teaching a group of all-women coders! (We have one male who identifies as a female, so eh.) I am teaching them HTML, CSS, Python & Java! I love it!

Forgiveness

  • I am still working on it, but I am learning to forgive those who have hurt me. And I realize that it takes two to tango. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Maybe if I didn’t do xyz, they wouldn’t have reacted in the way they did that hurt me, ya know?
  • So I am also learning that I need to forgive myself. I have been so upset with myself lately for not being where I feel I should be in life. But then my Grandma made me stop and think. Look how much I have achieved and should be thankful for…including:
    • Graduating from Grad School with a Master’s Degree
    • Getting an amazing job pay over $3.5K a month!
    • Having my health (kinda. That’s a post for another time though.)
    • Having Family.
    • Having a boyfriend. Friends who care about me. (Which brings me to the next point of Closure!)

Closure

Today the most unexpected thing happened. I was angry about the situation with my (now ex)-boyfriend, and so I posted a status on Facebook that was a bit mellow dramatic lol. And anyone would be able to put two and two together that I was having relationship issues. But I didn’t care tbh. I was feeling like either I vent or I go pop a bottle full of pills. Which, obviously wouldn’t be good…anywho, my ex from college messaged me! I wasn’t expecting him to. Let’s call him Beama for Privacy sake.

Beama basically told me that I shouldn’t be pouring my guts out on FB. Which I know. My family tells me this all the time. But my thing is, I can’t always post just the happy/good times without acknowledging my bad! But although I wasn’t really trying to hash out the past, he and I broke up in 2012. 7 long years ago. (I was 20!) And I basically felt as though he cheated on me with a mutual friend of ours as he was staying at her place over the summer, in between school years. There was a lot of drama, hurt, and pain in our relationship. He was my first REAL relationship out of High School. I’m not perfect either, I kinda played with his emotions as I was still involved with my high school sweetheart. In my defense, I tried to end things with my HS guy before even going to college, because I knew I wanted to have “the full college experience” but he didn’t wanna end things, and I didn’t wanna hurt him…but then I met Beama. And he just was so great. Handsome, funny, smart, CLOSE. (We lived in the same dorm house.) Whereas my HS sweetheart was 6 hours away. All in all, there was a lot of stuff that went down between me and beama that left me bitter. Honestly, I didn’t even realize that I still had unsettled parts of my past with him that needed settling. We talked (on FB Messaganer, not on the phone) for over an hour, and he apologized to me. Which I was not expecting. He admitted a lot of things, like not handling the situation correctly, and not treating me right…and a lot of other things that I really, really, really needed to hear. It helped my heart and soul. And I feel like all the men that have treated me badly and cheated on me just make me more damaged for the guy that I actually AM supposed to be with. I hope my guy is willing to accept me with all my insecurities and baggage…beama gave me the same advice that a lot of people have been giving me lately: stop looking for love and let it find me. So, that’s what I’m (finally) going to (try) to do. Though idk how it’s going to find me because I work like 10 – 12 hour days and get home late AF. Barely have time on the weekends…even putting time into my relationship with Angel was a hassle. But I have faith. God will work it out. He always does. I think he was meant to speak to me through beama tonight. I heard him loud and clear too. Going to bed with a lighter heart, mindset, and mood.

Thanks for reading. <3 I hope you have / had a beautiful day.

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